Happy Fifth Birthday, Jack.

Jack at a few days old

Jack at a few days old

Today, Jack would have been five. I spend a lot of  time thinking about what he’d be like, who he’d be today, in those times between things I need to do.

He would be talking up a storm (Jack’s speech was delayed), learning to read, playing with cars and rockets and trains and Batman and dinosaurs, playing Frisbee with me on the weekends, riding his bike and scooter and skates like nobody’s business, and showing his little brothers what it’s all about.

He’d torment his big sisters, play in the wading pool in the backyard, jump on the trampoline, and throw water balloons. He’d be in Kung Fu with his big sisters and be great at it.  I’d get to help him learn how to do it right and move just so no no shift your weight a little more this way and focus here while you follow through to make it work.

We’d enjoy Sonic slushes and more elaborate Thomas setups in his room. We’d still be going to Saturday morning breakfasts with Grandpa and fishing Sunday mornings at White Rock.  I hate fishing, but he loved spending time with me and Grandpa so much I’d do it anyway, as often as we could.

Yesterday, as I was getting to work, I cried for Jack; a song triggered it and, since I don’t cry often enough, I let it out.  I drove to the top of the parking garage so no one would see me and just bawled for about 15 minutes, thinking of what I am missing for not having Jack in my life.  All the things that should be true, but aren’t.

I eventually pulled myself together and made it inside, but didn’t really talk to anyone all day.  My heart wasn’t in it and I didn’t give a damn.

I miss him.  I feel guilty for him.  I want him back.  I’ll never have another Jack.

It’s just not fair.

My favorite picture of Jack. What a beautiful boy.

My favorite picture of Jack. What a beautiful boy.



7 responses to “Happy Fifth Birthday, Jack.

  1. I loved your post. My heart still breaks for you and your family, but what a beautiful tribute to a sweet boy. I went back and reread your earlier posts and wished I could have known him. Each picture shows his curiosity and sense of humor. Your projections into the future were fun to read, to imagine what he might be like. We have never met, but I wish I could do something to ease your pain. I have been thinking about you recently, from back when we both blogged about taking our lives back and exercising and eating more healthily. I just wanted you to know…

    Warm thoughts to you and your family.


    • Thank you, Sue. I remember those days when we were first blogging together. God how I wish I could go back.

  2. I won’t say Happy Birthday. I know that it’s just not a happy day for you and the Mrs. Know that you are all in my thoughts today and that I understand what you must be feeling. We drive by the cemetery where Jack is on Wednesdays and talk and think about him. Just so you know, I want for you to feel that life is worth living. Jack would want you to be healthy and live on for him. No matter what you may believe (afterlife or not) he remains with you all for eternity – in your memories and your intentions. We miss him, too. Thanks for sharing, and please give yourself some grace today.

  3. Losing a child is heartbreaking and life changing. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers today. Jack is a beautiful boy and you are are so right, ITS NOT FAIR:-(.

    • Thank you, Dawn. I know you understand what we’re going through. Thank you for your support during times like these.

  4. Pingback: Who You’d Be, Sixth Birthday Edition | New John for a New Year·

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