Since my son died . . .
What a horrible thing to write.
But that’s what life is now: before Jack died and after. It’s a dividing line. Things will never be like they were. That unending fact is always there, no matter what else is going on. It flavors everything and, even if my mind temporarily lets it go, really focuses on something else, it’s still not really gone.
That doesn’t mean I’m morose: I don’t mope around, silently trying to trap someone into talking to me so I can make them uncomfortable. Bwaahaahaahahaaaa!
No, I go about my day. If someone who doesn’t know meets me, chances are they would never guess. Most times, I can make it not show. And that’s good.
So if you see me at the store or in the halls at the office, don’t be afraid. I already know that my son is dead. It’s with me every moment. And I realize this makes everyone uncomfortable so I do my best to ease that, if I can.
I will laugh and smile and make jokes sometimes. But that doesn’t mean I’m like I was before. It just means I am still alive and doing the best I can.
I am going to recreate this blog as a way to help me deal with my grief and, maybe, to help others who are suffering similar trials. I’ll also sometimes include other things.
I’ll post when the mood strikes me and I find something I feel needs saying.
BTW – the picture in the header is a cropped version of this one. It shows Jack running around gathering Easter eggs in our yard in 2012. I put it there to remind me that despite my pain, things keep moving. He never stopped. I can’t either.
He was so happy. God how I miss my little guy.